6 posts from 2008

Happy New Years,
pretty tanked, so are the others, but it's all good.
New Years Resolution:
Save money, LOTS.

haha
the night is young man!

So, I realize there are some things I won't understand, and some things I try not too.
I just wish I could know them. It would make things a whole lot easier.
I also wish I never met you. You have inflicted too much emotional pain. You aren't even in my life anymore, and I haven't had an actual conversation with you in almost two years. I would like to know how the fuck to get over you. I want to bash your head in for doing this to me. And maybe it was unintentional, but fuck you. I can't stand that you left. I can't fucking believe how much it still hurts, and to think it's not affecting you? I seen you in the store the other day, and you walked right fucking by me. So guess what, there's easier ways to deal with this. Im just not going to think of them. I can't talk to anyone about this either, and that is probably what's hurting me the most. I came to you with what hurt me most. It's a constant flow of thoughts about you. Memories. That's all I have left. Also, im blaming you for the fucking reasons I can't tell people I care for them. For the reasons I won't be close with someone emotionally. You ruined me. Starting now though, it's going to fucking change. Im done with nothing. You being the nothing, obviously. Noone knows I feel like this, noone. Everything is fine with someone who smiles right? Wrong, big time. So fuck you, have a nice life.

you should just say it, no matter what it is, or the outcome.

I know there's something you're hiding.

So, I've come to the conclusion I am crazy.
Or irrational, I guess.

Im over analyzing things too much.
and I am ONLY sixteen right?
hmm,
that's a shame.

nothing interesting today, but not that there is any other day.

-from home-

I didn't go to school today, though I should have. Im kind of disappointed with myself. I don't have the will to wake up in the morning and get out've bed, so I don't. It shouldn't be like that. Im tired of not doing well, of not trying. And I don't just mean with school, I mean everything. The only thing that I'm dedicated to is work, and i'm not proud of that. I don't want to be working this job when I'm forty. That's ridiculous. I need someone to push me, I can't do it on my own. I need someone to take the first step over the cliff in a relationship. Seeing as their is no cliff to step over, it doesn't matter anyways. But I wish there was. Enough about disappointment though. Let's move onto frustration.

Im frustrated because I don't know how to deal with things. Should I be honest, or will that upset you? The last thing I want to do is upset you. I don't talk to anyone about this becuase they don't get it. Most think it's fear of commitment, but it's not. I would like to be committed to someone at some point in my life. It's really fear of loss. As soon as I start trusting people, and telling them how I feel, they leave. Just up and leave. And I know i've heard the 'you're only sixteen' more than a couple times, but I really do think I'll end up alone. For some parts, Im okay with that. Generally though, Im not.

Maybe I'm being irrational.
that's what most people would think anyways.

-first blog, of the ones I haven't deleted-

I get you, or so I think, but I don't get this.
Im not understanding what's happening.

I want to be open with you, but some things are just going to upset you, and if you react badly, it'll upset me as well. Selfish act maybe, but that's all I know, and preferably all I want to know. I don't like to learn by doing, it causes more pain then needed, something I try to avoid.

Anyways, on a happier note,
I got a laptop.
So, due to the fact I will be travelling to various WI-FI connected places, I will be blogging. Or so I hope.

Also, went and seen Dirty Dancing live today, very interesting. I do recommend it. I also recommend going to bed, but that's not going to happen for another.. twenty five minutes. When the pm's kick in. haha

That's all for now. Nothing really striking to talk about except my confusion, and seeming as this isn't read by anyone, I'm not explain it to the point of breaking frustration.