tell me that you can hear it?
the gut wrenching sound of whatever is clawing at my insides, tearing it apart like it's a fucking piece of meat. How long have I been walking, and where am I going? Does it matter, really? I don't think so.
i can't believe how selfish you are. i have other things to occupy my mind right now, and i don't need to deal with your shit. do you understand that im upset, and you saying that doesn't make things for me any easier? Deal with your shit, and then come to me. Or don't, whichever, because i don't care about your right now. Or anymore. I've lost all respect for you as a person. Stay the fuck away from me now.
Have you ever felt nauseated from so much anger. Shut yourself out, others down. Do you know what im going through. What i've been through? No. Let's you and i stay as far away from each other as possible. Can you understand this? Think things through before you pull me into your manipulation. Im not doing this with you, With anyone again. Being over the top is my finest trait. I'll ruin you.
not this again.
i've already told you too much.
Woah, you make me dizzy.
Head rushes are not for me. But that's what you do.
Today, you're just another infatuation, but it's not what I want.
It's weird how easily I /everyone can be attracted to someone. So easily.
I want you. I do. Not like the others. This is different. Im awkward around you, but I'm still myself. Are you following? I don't even know you, but I want to. I want you to know me. You make me almost euphoric. I don't know you.
Get over yourself.
I feel calm now. It's like a ten thousand tonne pile of bricks have just been lifted off me. Im not angry at you, not that I should have been anyways. Thank you though. Im still a little disappointed but I suppose it's time for me to look past it, and now work on a friendship with you. That seems about right.
Also, house sat this weekend and i've never felt so independant. I know that's a little weird, but like.. i don't know. This whole moving out thing seems fantastic, though im aware of the responsibilities involved. Here, I don't pay annnnnnnny bills, but I did just buy groceries. Haha, it made me feel responisble, in a werid sort of way. Maybe this is how children are suppose to think.
Im not ready yet.
later vox, and lish if you're creepin'.
i have a hangover, and i don't get them at all. I'd rather take a blow to the head with a mallet. ugh.
im such a baby.
some writing I've been doing the past couple days.
i've been discovered sitting in this empty bus, but i just go back to sleeping. i don't need to be woken up for my stop because im not actually going anywhere. Except away from her. I relise this only goes as far as the end of town, but i couldn't stay where i was. The place where our bodies first entangled, our hearts beated faster, and where she left me. People think im being irrational but anything that fucking reminds me of her might as well be missile through my chest. Burning, always burning. I see people around, thinking they're in love, and I want to scream in their face. Warn them what they're going to cause each other. You can only admire something for so long before you throw it under the fucking bed.
Another part to the same story, just a different time.
- As i'm walking down the streets, i hear the cries of the city. Ambulance, walk signals, everthing. And I find it peaceful, entertaining even. Im not sure where im going, or how i got here, but I know that I belong. The same lady that owns the laundry mat and the shitty coffee shop stops to feed one of the flea ridden cats. Discusting, I think to myself. But I don't care, I belong here. I walk into her store hoping to god she washed her hands before serving me. I've been coming here for two and a half years, and she still doesn't know my name.
"Im Darren," I say. She smiles apologetically and nods, but walks away without talking my order. Thankfully, she places a cup of coffee in front of me. It tastes like piss, but I don't care, Im fucking tired.
A young asian girl comes to take my order. She's about twenty, and perhaps the owners daughter. Very cute, but not interested. I order pancakes, and off she goes. She seems disappointed, and I hope it's not because of me. It probably was though, I seem to have been doing that often lately. Disappointing people I mean.
I have made a few changes in my life recently:
-I have started saving my money.
-Im accomplishing things at school
-Im re-evaluating friendships that I think are going to harm me in the future
-Im dealing with situations in a respectable way
-Im becoming closer with someone I've over-looked the past few years.
-Although I'm not feeling exactly happy, i'm content.
-Also, contemplating moving out, which could be horrible, so must think about it more.
So it's my birthday today, and it's not that exciting. haha
I don't feel older, or act any older, I'm confused as to what I'm really celebrating.
This particular celebration should come to us at five year intervals, it'd be more interesting, and I'd have more things accomplished in that great deal of time.
