I have made a few changes in my life recently:
-I have started saving my money.
-Im accomplishing things at school
-Im re-evaluating friendships that I think are going to harm me in the future
-Im dealing with situations in a respectable way
-Im becoming closer with someone I've over-looked the past few years.
-Although I'm not feeling exactly happy, i'm content.
-Also, contemplating moving out, which could be horrible, so must think about it more.
So it's my birthday today, and it's not that exciting. haha
I don't feel older, or act any older, I'm confused as to what I'm really celebrating.
This particular celebration should come to us at five year intervals, it'd be more interesting, and I'd have more things accomplished in that great deal of time.
So, I have to head to the doctors today. Side pain, cold, fever. Im quite the mess. Anyways, I had a very odd dream last night.
So, it started with myself working alone, in a dark building. As I'm about to leave, there were suddenly no doors or windows, and the building became ten times bigger than it was originally. Having a fear of the dark and being alone in oversized places, it was starting to become a nightmare. As I'm running through the corridors, I relise there is no use. No windows. No doors. No way out. So my dream-self gave up. I sat there in the dark, without going to look for anyone, or cry out for help. I just gave up. I woke up after that, so I don't know what else went on, whether someone found me, or I died. Very scary. Woke up in half-tears.
Happier note: I finished Time Travellers wife a yesterday. It's amazing. The main character puts me in mind of a friend. The way he speaks, his job, the whole shabang. It's a very sad story. Im not going to say anymore though, I don't want to ruin it. Not that anyone reads this anyways. Haha. Im watching Batman and starting to read
Also have another book I received as a christmas gift from a friend. Fifth Business
has a cold.
and it can go to hell.
This whole optomism thing is actually starting to work, as I've mentioned sort of below. I feel sort of.. cleansed? Like I've just dropped whatever 'dark omen' kind of deal is inside of me. I mean, I don't believe in omens, but I couldn't think of anything else. haha
anyways.
school time, later.
Reading a very good book, The Time Travellers Wife, and I think it should be read. It has given me a different perspective on things, which is a good and bad thing. I'm naturally stubborn but even more so when it's a very unique opinion of mine. Damn the book for changing it. Also, I also read for two hours tonight in Williams, very interesting. I enjoyed it, being alone I mean. I don't need a companion when I want to go out. I didn't even bring my laptop this time. Thinking about doing this more often then nescessary.
On another note, which could or could not be healthy:
I stop myself in the middle of thinking about you, cut myself off completely. Now either I'm supressing things, or it is actually making me much happier. I feel a lot happier. This is it, for now. Not much else to say unless you want to know what I had for dinner tonight.
(It was a BLT, with no bacon, by the way.)
I want to start over I want to start new.
I want to be someone that I once was. Someone who doesn't procrastinate, or lie to the people who she cares about. Someone who strives for something with everything she's fucking got. Someone who cares about school, family, and friends. I want to do well, to make myself proud, not for others. Starting now, I'm not going to try to be something else, I'm going to be myself. My true self. Something you've probably never seen. Im going to start reading again, and indulge my inner nerd. Im going to learn to play guitar, as well as I fucking can. Im going to prove myself wrong, not you, because starting now, I don' care what you think. Im in this all for myself. Im going to open up with people that I truly care about, and get rid of the ones I don't. Im going to pour my heart into something other than a relationship that isn't going to happen. Im not going to let you hurt me anymore, Im not going to go out of my way to be with someone who obviously doesn't care. Im going to start watching Star Wars again, and I'm going to collect cd's. Im going to be who I was, and not who I've become. Im going to sing in your face, dance when I'm happy, and I'm not going to be embarrassed about it. Im not going to do what I want, that's what I do now. That's not what I want. I want someone to be there for me, all the time. Not when it's covenient for them. I want to listen to other's problems, and not be so self-absorbed. I don't want to think about my future, I want to think about what I'm doing now. I want to understand things, and the things I don't, I'll try to figure out. I don't want you, I want us, but I can deal without thanks. I want him to come back so I can apologize for being so fucking mad at him. It's not his fault. I want to cry in his arms, and tell him I miss him, just one last time. I never told him that, you know? I want to apologize to everyone I've hurt, and I want forgiveness. I want forgiveness. Starting now, no more tears over you, him, or her. No more. None. I want to start new, and even if this doesn't make sense to you, I don't care. this is what I want.
